Today I was reminded of just how loving and compassionate my God is. I had a rough night last night at work, and the unit has been busy with a lot of sick little babies. Up to now, I’ve been able to somewhat keep my fears in check, but last night I started having significant back pain and was feeling overall uncomfortable, and that’s when the doubt and worry started to creep in. What if something happens to this baby? What if I go into labor early? What if he’s not healthy or there’s something wrong? So I gave in and paged the on-call doctor, who of course assured me that everything sounded normal and that the back pain I was experiencing was common. I saw my OB this morning at the hospital and I told her about my little “freak out” and she gave me a hug and reminded me that we both expected me to have moments of fear and worry given what I do for a living and that I would be ok. Just like she did when I saw her 2 weeks ago and she assured me that everything was ok when I questioned why I hadn’t been able to feel the baby kick yet. She is an amazing, skilled doctor and I am thankful for her kindness and understanding towards a person like me, who can lean a little on the crazy side sometimes.
That being said, I got home exhausted and ready for a nap, and very aware of what today’s date is. Today would have been my due date for the baby I miscarried in December. I’ve been aware that the date was approaching and have been pondering God’s timing and plans for the past several days. Don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful for this pregnancy and this precious little boy that is growing inside of me, but I am still aware of the loss that we experienced several months back. And the beautiful thing, is that God is too. Anyways, I was lying in bed, watching “The Nanny” (which makes my husband cringe, but I love that show and watch an episode every morning after work before I go to sleep…) when all of a sudden I felt it. I wasn’t sure so I waited a few seconds and there it was again. The little flutter and thump in my stomach that was unmistakably the kick of my little boy. I pressed on my belly and he continued to move around for the next several minuted. I have never experienced anything more amazing. I fell asleep peacefully to the movement of my unborn baby.
After I woke up, I laid in bed and began to contemplate that experience. And it hit me. God knew what today would bring. How amazing that He would choose such a meaningful day in my life to reassure me of His presence. God is not only with me, but He is acutely aware of my hurts, my needs, and my heart. And He chose today of all days to let me experience the movement of my little boy for the first time. When He placed this little miracle inside me He knew exactly what day I would feel Him kick, just like He has all of his days planned for him. Rest assured, God does nothing on accident. I’ve been eager to feel the baby move and a little sad that I hadn’t so far, but today reminded me that His answer of “not yet” is always brought about by His perfect understanding of exactly what I need. Would I have been just as excited to feel him kick on any other day? Yes. Would I have been acutely aware of God' incredible love for me and just how perfect His timing is had I felt it on another day? Probably not. And so God chose to remind me of just how much He cares for me. What beauty in feeling my little boy move all the while feeling God move as well. I cried tears of humble gratitude and love over the fact that the God I serve, King of Creation, would look upon me, and consider my needs, and meet them in the most complete and astounding ways. I am thankful for the reminder that there are no coincidences with God, just continued whispers of His Presence that we are hopefully aware enough of to notice.
“Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; And therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; Blessed are all those who wait for Him” Isaiah 30:18
“Bless the Lord, O my soul; And forget not all His benefits; Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies….The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in mercy” Psalm 103:2-4, 8
“I will love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live…For You have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.” Psalm 116:1-2, 8-9
“For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;” Psalm 139:13-14