Today was one of those beautiful blue sky, 68 degree days that made you glad you live in Florida. For those of you who happen to live up north, don't be jealous. We'll be paying for it come July when a tank top and shorts are too much clothes to have on given the degree of heat and humidity.
Anyways I brought my bible outside for a change and decided to sit and read there instead of being cooped up inside the house. I feel like there is a lot to be learned from the things that J and I have been dealing with these past few weeks, but part of me has been feeling like I'm missing it. It's like the world has moved on and life keeps going, but part of me (that type A, obsessive, perfectionist part) is still holding on to the what ifs and what could have been. We've been talking a lot about when would be a good time to consider starting a family again and whether or not I'd be ready emotionally. Up til now, I havn't been sure of the answer. I get so caught up in everything that could possibly even remotely become a problem that I forget that ultimately, it's not up to me. I get so worried about what if I had another miscarriage, I don't think I could handle it or what if this goes wrong and things don't turn out the way I planned. The sad thing is, my plans and worries aren't only relegated to the concept of having a baby, but every other aspect of life I think I can control. And it always boils down to "enough". Do we have enough money, can I lose enough weight, do I have enough time or whatever my concern for that day may be. And today I really felt like God was speaking to me. Do I want to wait until I feel like I have enough control and can handle things my way, or do I want to trust in God's sufficiency. Truth is, I've been trusting in my own abilities and planning to get me through, rather than resting in the knowledge that He is enough. And it hasn't been working. I can put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is wonderful, but all the acting in the world won't make that true. I've been trying to heal myself instead of letting the Healer do His perfect work.
I've always been the type to try to do things myself, rather than ask for help. Not because I don't like asking for help, but because I think I can do it better my way. My sweet husband hired someone to come clean the house but I cancelled because "why pay someone to do something I can do better myself?" (yes, I know I'm crazy!!). I was saddened to realize that this mentality has carried over into my walk with God. I was led to 2 Corinthians 12 today and here is what I read: "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
So my prayer today is that I will let the truth of those verses penetrate my heart and be real to me. That I will allow God to be enough.
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!