I'm excited about my little blog "makeover" and am thankful to the DesignGirl for helping me out.
I've been going back and forth about whether or not to post this, but it's been on my mind and heart and I decided to just do it. I figure that if the purpose of this blog is to share my life, then that's what I need to do. Even when it hurts.
Not many people know this, but Jackson and I found out that I was pregnant back in December. We were so excited, but decided just to share the news with our immediate family until things were further along. I woke up Christmas morning bleeding and ended up having a miscarriage. It was the hardest day of my life. I pretty much cried all weekend and stayed in bed, relying on my husband to pass along the news to our loved ones. I wasn't planning on talking about it on the blog, but I got a call from the doctor's office today reminding me of the appointment I was supposed to have tomorrow for my first baby visit. I had forgotten to call and cancel it and it seemed to open up the wound that was slowly healing. There are so many ways to rationalize this type of thing: it happens to a lot of women; there was probably something wrong with the baby; it doesn't mean you won't ever have a baby. Those are all truths that I believe. But there isn't enough truth in the world for me to feel okay about it. I see the many ways that God has shown himself to me during the past month and I am thankful. It makes me sad that the memories of our first Christmas together will be stained with loss, and that chances are, when I do get pregnant next time I will be even more of a paranoid mess. But I know it will only cause me to cling to God more and trust in Him more and I know that He wants nothing more than for me to draw closer to Him and be holy. And so my prayer is that experience won't be wasted. That He will be glorified, in the good times and the painful times. I realize that I can't praise Him on a Monday and curse Him on a Friday. He hasn't changed. He won't change. And I rest in that. I'm thankful that this experience has drawn my husband and I closer together and that I have someone I love to help me carry my burdens.
bought Selah's newest CD on itunes a while back after they sang at our church's Christmas presentation and I love it. There is one particular song that has ministered to me these past few weeks. It's called "Unredeemed" and here are the words to the first verse and chorus:
The cruelest words, the coldest heart
The deepest wounds, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years
Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see it will not be
I am so thankful that I serve a God who is faithful. Who promises that all things work together for our good. A God who redeems my life.
Sorry this ended up being such a long post. I know this is all new and I'm thankful for my friends who are reading....and I promise my next post will be a little happier!