I feel like this post kind of rambles on but I'm just attempting to write down my thoughts and feelings so that I can remember and look back at this time in our lives.
I've been a parent for two short weeks-half of which I was barely able to take care of my baby due to complications from my epidural. I've quickly been able to make up for that with loads of laundry, diaper changes, and middle of the night feedings. Given how much I enjoy sleeping, it surprises me that the middle of the night feedings are what I enjoy most. Being awake, sitting in a rocking chair in a dark room holding my boy gives me plenty of time to think and ponder everything that has been going on around me and the changes our young family is going through. We haven't shared much about this, but Jax is having some medical tests done this week. It's been hard for me to deal with, given all the post-partem hormones and lack of sleep. But even if those things weren't factors, it would still be hard for me to deal with. Knowing that my sweet little boy, so trusting and unaware, is going to have to be stuck for IVs and be in a strange environment just makes me want to cry. The thought of him having scars on his young, innocent body is almost too much for me. As I was sitting there feeding him last night, I began to think about God's part in all of this. I know this child is perfectly formed-exactly the way God wanted him to be. And yet he will have to go through the pain of medical tests and procedures- and as a mother, that just about kills me.
The bible gives us many names for God. He is the Creator, Savior, Provider, Healer. The list goes on and on. But one of the most tender and sweet to me right now is that of Father. It's an attribute I've never really been able to understand-I lacked the perspective. I still don't completely grasp just how much God loves us as His children and I likely never will. But I am just beginning to glimpse the powerful love of a parent in having and caring for my own child. I thought about how just like I'll have to allow Jax to go through tests that will cause him some pain, God the Father allows the same for us. He allows us to experience hurt and disappointment and failure and heartache. We rarely get to know the "why" of these trials, but we can take comfort in the truth that just like my baby's tests, it's all for our good- to make us better, stronger, healthier. Knowing that indescribable love He has for us, I can't imagine how hard it must be for our heavenly Father to watch us suffer through pain. I take comfort in knowing that His love runs deep enough to carry us through, to heal our hurts, to fix the broken. Rarely do we get to see God's purpose in allowing us to hurt. I don't know why my son has to go through pain at such a young age. But my prayer is that it will serve to draw us closer to the One who loves us most.
"The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." Romans 8:16-17
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."